A Slightly Different Christmas Story. (Or how I spent my Christmas Vacation)

So my family is pretty much a turn off the tv on Christmas day kind of family. Me being the radical I always have to find a way to break with tradition.  After all my roots are in Fraternity life and as I always say when I speak about Greek Life a "tradition is what we did last year"...

Ha, ok, back to reality.  Why the discussion on tv on Christmas day?  Because I got to spend not only Christmas day, but entire Christmas weekend camped in front of the tv at Carle Hospital.  Why you may ask?  Well you see it was sort of like this... (flashback to last Thursday night)

I was watching tv on Thursday night and I had a sharp pain in my chest just below my breastbone.  It was intense for about a minute.  Then it dropped off. 

A few hours later I had another.  My doctor's nurse has told me to "report all side effects" no matter how minor during the keytruda immuno therapy test.  So I called Friday morning to report the news.

They called back an hour or so later and asked to come by the ER to run some tests.  An EKG to rule out heart issues and blood and c scan to rule out other issues.

So, I did, thinking this would be a three hour visit.  But....they found elevated enzyme levels in my liver and an apparent blockage of some liver ducts.  Two weeks ago I had the same blood test and all was normal.  So this came on fast.  

Dr. Science Fiction (I think I heard the nurse call him "Bones") came in my ER room and said he wanted to put in a stint to drain my fluids in my liver.  And he would prefer to do it that day since A. he was there and B. he didn't want to risk having it be an emergency and needing to come back Christmas Eve or Christmas Day.  So he asked me to hang on so he could see if he could put together a surgical team. (I suspect they may have been flying the Enterprise at warp speed a few light years away to some inter-galactic Cabo San Lucas and the flight was leaving later tonight.)

An hour later they said, we have a team together and we are checking you in. Oh boy, my first thought was, "how is Santa going to find me?"


I got an awesome room on the 6th, just a little larger than my condo.  I thought, hmm....not so bad!  The doc came back and then they rolled me down to the Star Trek operating room about 10:30 PM.  It had a 90 inch HD screen. All kind of floating robotic tools and I think a James T. Kirk command chair.  

I was wide awake and could see the scope a little going in and out of me!  They had some great music on and we were joking throughout.  So except for the doctor poking my side with a sharp knife and wanting to borough into my liver, it was a decent experience.

I got back to my suite about 1 AM and the party began.  Well it wasn't really a party, but you know when you have any kind of surgery the nurses all want to show their friends your stitches and such.  I am pretty sure my drainage tube was shared on several snapchat sites throughout the night, some nurse networking I guess.

To paraphrase Cat Stevens, "Morning was broken" and a new doctor, not with Starfleet I don't think, came in to share the good news that the surgery went well, ( I think she saw the Snapchat posts) and the even better news, I get to spend Christmas Eve at Carle!!!  Who could have imagined such a perfect holiday spectacular!  This year was "Big Christmas" for my family.  Since my family has at last count, over 100,000 people, some wise person, probably my step mother June, determined that we would gather every other year in some hallowed place (usually a Chicago suburb) and spend the holiday together.  We are not permitted to miss Big Christmas unless we are well, you know, not above ground.  So my first reaction to the doctor was she better call June.  I don't know what happened, but as you can probably guess, I missed big Christmas.  

It wasn't a terrible Christmas Eve.  The doc gave me some morphine and the world was good! I thought I saw a bright shining star in the sky, somewhere over the stables in Rantoul.  Next thing I know I have about 2500 texts, so answering those filled the rest of my day.  Oh, Dr. Science Fiction came in as well, I think he may have used the transporter as I didn't really see him walk in or out.  And he shared the even better news, I couldn't go home for Christmas day either.  I don't think he cleared that with June or even my sister Kristina who plans the order of Christmas present opening sometime in July of each year.  When you are as brilliant as she is you have to use your free time wisely. Christmas is an important day for her and therefore it gets high priority. 

A quick aside.  Always one to take on the little guy to support corporate America, my latest crusade is to scrutinize food trucks in Champaign in favor of the brick and mortar restaurant owners.  Not to get off on a serious note, but basically I have great respect for the men and women who have revitalized downtown Champaign and made it a truly endearing place to hang out, by spending millions on building renovations and still spending thousands on property taxes and mortgages to help make our hanging out time more fun.  So a writer with the local paper, the News-Gazette, chose Saturday to publish the interview with me on my opinion.  Rumor was the food truck owners were assembling and had an all points bulletin out to capture and contain me. Something about grilling me on their open flames. (The local police were supporting and protecting the do-nut truck)  Anyway my hospital captivity and dedicated nursing staff protected me from their attack.  

Christmas in the Presidential Suite. Christmas Eve while my family was gorging on delicacies and wonderful sweets and cordials, I was enjoying a clear liquid diet.  In my family a clear liquid diet is Chardonney and Vodka.   The hospital did not have that on the menu.  So, chicken broth and Italian ice for me!  I may be the only person in my family who lost weight this past weekend! 

Did I say the doc put me on Steroids?  I had the immediate urge to go pump some iron.  However the port between my ribs helped me remember that I should put off lifting heavy objects for a day or two.  Here's something I didn't know.  Steroids keep you awake.  So I wasn't very tired come bed time.  Panic set in.  We all know that Santa won't come if you are awake. And with him needing to search for me at the hospital I didn't want to risk any chance he would fly by.  However, I was mostly awake and he didn't come. :(  Maybe I wasn't as good a boy as I thought.

I think I saw him fly over though.

Morning came again the doc said, no going home today, (why would I want to with all this luxury?) however, she was moving me to a normal but slightly restricted diet.  HALLELUJAH!!  You see the hospital had delivered a "Christmas Menu" with Prime Rib and Mashed Sweet Potatoes and Pumpkin Pie and I was ready to dig in.   However.....my restriction was a low fat diet.  Who knew this liver enzyme they were draining was the one that processed fatty foods.  Dang!!

My potential menu for the day was a little better than chicken broth, so I was happy.  Doc also said "I am hoping to send you home tomorrow but no promises."  What the doc didn't know was that I have friends in Black ops and a nephew who is secretly a super hero. They were planning a break out that may happen on Christmas day but at the latest would be the next day.  Amazing what the can be put together at a moment’s notice.  As the nurses were giving me wonderful care I warned them about the potential for a break out and that they should just stay away from the windows if they heard the chopper.

Christmas day was ok. One of my closest friends, Jim Acheson came by.  One of the truly great mentors I have had in my life. (Blame him for my undying love for my fraternity). And a little later the undergraduate President of my chapter came by.  I can honestly say I have never spent Christmas day with our undergraduate President, (except when I was President of course).  He brought Werther’s  This man is destined for greatness.  He is moving quickly up the ladder of “greatest presidents ever” much to the dismay of past presidents Mike O’Neill, Ryan Flanagan and Chris Gapinske.  I think you could be elected POTUS, (that’s President of the United States for the uneducated), with bags a Werther’s.  There is a lesson here for the next Hillary Clinton wanna be. (Maybe the Donald has stock in Werther's, I may be on to something)  But while I had him there we worked on an agenda for our next retreat in January.  HAHA, I’m obsessed, I can’t put fraternity aside even on a holiday.

As I said earlier who knew there were so many good movies and shows on that day.  John Wayne cowboy marathon on AMC. Beauty and the Beast on ABC.  It was just wonderful.  Who needs Christmas?  Oh wait, they were on because it was Christmas. 

As I enjoyed my two feasts during the day, keeping a watchful eye while listening for whirling rotors, I thought what can I do to help these stranded workers have a better day.  Thus, my afternoon stroll through Carle materialized.  I just started walking, IV attached and drainage bag draining and stopped and thanked every nurse and doctor and maintenance worker and house keeper for coming to work and helping to make my holiday a little better. (They all thought I was nuts and should be locked away, luckily I didn't meet a psychologist)  

The evening was quiet.   I thought I saw a few shepherds and a couple of wise looking men going to the neo-natel floor, but it may have been the sugar rush in my head.  (I had the pumpkin pie! Haha, don't tell the doctor)  

Monday morning arrived.  First thing I hear is that Arlo, my super hero nephew will be arriving by noon.  I warn the nurses. Second, the doc says I'm going home for sure.  She gives me 100 instructions and lots of meds for home use, and of course I remember one thing, I'm going home.  Fortunately she typed it all up and gave me a copy.  I'll read it in July sometime.  Secretly I think she got word of Arlo coming and wanted to high tail it out before he got there.  Wise woman.  Doctors are not stupid for the most part.  

So I wait patiently, (ha, get it, a patient being patient) and only 5 hours later they are prepared to send me home.  After three stays in the hospital I have come to learn that noon is the check-out time and they feel like they haven’t provided you with your money's worth if you leave even one minute early. Note to hospital, I'm ok on getting gyped on my night's stay. Shoot you can kick me out at 6 AM before breakfast.  Well, maybe 7:30, the biscuits and gravy are pretty good there.  

So....lessons from the weekend.

1. I'm glad we caught this early.  The real doctor, my oncologist, thinks it was a reaction to the immuno therapy drug and that we caught it before it did serious damage to the liver. One of the problems with immuno therapy is sometimes the drug can't tell the difference between the tumor and other organs like your liver, heart, lungs, etc.  (Just minor organs :)) So you have if you have a problem you need to catch it fast.

2. We need to figure out a new strategy to attack this tumor. Good news is the testing this week showed it hasn't gotten any larger since August. 

3. The staff at Carle are angels.  So many of them selflessly are there over the holidays to take care of patients.  It reminds me that there are 1000's just in our community alone in health care, police, fire, city workers, etc etc who must spend time away from their families.  I won't forget that lesson next time I'm with my own family

4. Those Star Trek doctors and operating rooms are pretty cool.  I suspect the new Carle/UI Med school will be focused on training more medical students for Starfleet. 

5. Super Arlo has magic powers.  Heaven and earth moves in front of him.  I'm so lucky he is my nephew! 

Merry Christmas to you and “Live long, and prosper.”