Brothers vs. MEmbers

I  became a member of a fraternity when I was a sophomore in college.  As a member I have done about everything anyone has ever asked of me, donating my time, my talents and a lot of money.  I was a "live in" pledge with about 20 other guys in my pledge class.  Like most pledges of the 70's I was hazed during pledgeship, called lots of names and told to do 1000's of push ups and lots of other calisthenics all in the name of becoming a better brother.   And I did everything I was asked to do and can honestly say that no matter how much I hated it at the time, there's nothing I did then I can't talk about publicly now.  I was lucky in that regard and I know hundreds of members of my fraternity and other fraternities who don't want to talk about their pledgeships publicly.

Every pledge class has an active member who is in charge.  He may be called the pledge "trainer", "educator" , "chairman" or "boss."  This was true then and it's still true today, although the name may have become more politically correct.  Something like "membership education director".  Typically this guy is someone who's sole value to the fraternity is having a big mouth and acting tough.  Usually they are not great students, they have no clue about the values the fraternity was founded on and are more knowledgeable about the local bar scene than the bar exam.  

They got the job because they promised to make the pledges better "brothers".  You see every fraternity has a group of members who think it's their job to make sure the traditions of the fraternity are carried forward.  And completing pledgeship is a critical right of passage for the sake of the "house" to succeed.  It doesn't really matter what those traditions are, whether they be "total cans of beer consumed, most women hit on, or trash left to rot in the living room."  Rarely are these traditions based on the core values of the fraternity.  Things like education, community service and common decency are often left off the list.  

Ok so what does that have to do with brothers and members.  While everyone who initiates into a fraternity becomes a member, I am suggesting that not everyone becomes a Brother.   I'm not trying to confuse you here.  We all know members of fraternities are called "brothers".  In this argument I'm going to distinguish what I call members from what I'll call Brothers.  Let me define the difference:

MEmbers:   Initiated into the fraternity.  Usually hold offices like social chairman, athletic director, pledge educator/trainer.  Have an underlying belief the fraternity founders had them in mind when they held their first party.  Usually behind in house payment, social payments, t-shirt payments, etc.  Never pay required out of house fees as those are for someone else.  First to complain when a scholarship chairman indicates there should be sanctions for not having at least a B- grade point average. Picture themselves coming back to the fraternity after they drop out and teaching the pledges how to play Pong.   fraternity motto:  What's in it for me?

Brothers:  Initiated into the Fraternity.  May or may not hold an office as titles are not why they joined.  Think about the chapter reputation everyday.  Constantly evaluate the ideals of the Fraternity and compare them to their own.  Are amazed the founders could chose values that translate so well into today's society.  Know the national Fraternity history, local history and have met many of the more renown alumni.  Can't believe others compliment them for community and campus service as service has always been a part of their life.  Fraternity motto:  Service before self. 

So here's my theory.  We waste way too much time teaching our pledges how to be MEmbers.  How long can that take?  An hour at a table with flippy cups?  Maybe another hour at the local pub trashing the women?  So let's have a 3 hour pledeship for members.  About 85% of our initiates are lifetime MEmbers.  And except for waving at the house as they walk by on football Saturdays between tailgating and Kams, we probably never see or hear from them.  They don't donate to the Foundation of the chapter or the university, instead leaving their money behind in liquor taxes. 

As for Brothers?  Well no amount of pledge ship really matters.  These guys already understand the values of the Fraternity.  They will learn about the Brotherhood for the rest of their lives, attending reunions, and homecomings and conventions, constantly striving to become a more dedicated contributor to the Fraternity.  They will donate their time, their money and their passion to the chapter, the university and their communities.  And they will uphold the visions of the Founders in everything they do.  

Fences or Ambulances? Let's start the discussion today.

In light of the event that happened at Sandy Hook Elementary School on Friday and all of the other tragedies we have had to deal with in the past years, our Pastor opened our church service with this poem today.  Isn't it time we had a serious discussion in this country about the topic of guns.

A Fence or an Ambulance

'Twas a dangerous cliff, as they freely confessed,
Though to walk near its crest was so pleasant;
But over its terrible edge there had slipped
A duke and full many a peasant.

So the people said something would have to be done,
But their projects did not at all tally;
Some said, "Put a fence 'round the edge of the cliff,"
Some, "An ambulance down in the valley."

But the cry for the ambulance carried the day,
For it spread through the neighboring city;
A fence may be useful or not, it is true,
But each heart became full of pity

For those who slipped over the dangerous cliff;
And the dwellers in highway and alley
Gave pounds and gave pence, not to put up a fence,
But an ambulance down in the valley.

"For the cliff is all right, if you're careful," they said,
"And, if folks even slip and are dropping,
It isn't the slipping that hurts them so much
As the shock down below when they're stopping."

So day after day, as these mishaps occurred,
Quick forth would those rescuers sally
To pick up the victims who fell off the cliff,
With their ambulance down in the valley.

Then an old sage remarked: "It's a marvel to me
That people give far more attention
To repairing results than to stopping the cause,
When they'd much better aim at prevention.

Let us stop at its source all this mischief," cried he,
"Come, neighbors and friends, let us rally;
If the cliff we will fence, we might almost dispense
With the ambulance down in the valley."

"Oh he's a fanatic," the others rejoined,
"Dispense with the ambulance? Never!
He'd dispense with all charities, too, if he could;
No! No! We'll support them forever.

Aren't we picking up folks just as fast as they fall?
And shall this man dictate to us? Shall he?
Why should people of sense stop to put up a fence,
While the ambulance works in the valley?"

But the sensible few, who are practical too,
Will not bear with such nonsense much longer;
They believe that prevention is better than cure,
And their party will soon be the stronger.

Encourage them then, with your purse, voice, and pen,
And while other philanthropists dally,
They will scorn all pretense, and put up a stout fence
On the cliff that hangs over the valley.

Better guide well the young than reclaim them when old,
For the voice of true wisdom is calling.
"To rescue the fallen is good, but 'tis best
To prevent other people from falling."

Better close up the source of temptation and crime
Than deliver from dungeon or galley;
Better put a strong fence 'round the top of the cliff
Than an ambulance down in the valley.
-- Joseph Malins (1895)

Making a list! (or not)

I was sitting at church last Sunday when a good friend of mine started talking about what Christmas and the holiday season was all about.  I’m a list person.  I keep “to do” lists both physically and constantly in my mind as I keep a fairly hectic schedule.  When the holidays approach it seems as though my “lists” are never ending.  Just as quickly as I knock something off the list three more things are added.  Are your holidays like that?

Send cards, shop for relatives, decorate the house, decorate the tree, stop at shipping store to mail gifts, work on Church holiday programs, plan holiday meals, and shop for holiday meals are just a short version of the longer list detailing all the specifics needing to get done.  Of course I have a business to run and various holiday parties and events to attend as well.  There is just so much to do in December and not enough time to get it all done. 

My head spins and I begin to wonder if the list will ever be done.  Isn’t that what matters?   Getting prepared for the holidays is the highest priority?  For me at least, I tend to fall into that trap more than need be.

Back to what my friend Mike shared at Church Sunday.  Mike is one of those guys who is always busy as well.  A devoted servant of the church, Mike is a leader of the praise band and is always lending his time to play at special services, parties and even funerals and weddings.  He talked about how he too lived by the lists at Christmas.  He lost his wife at too young an age and the “duties” for the surviving parent were overwhelming. 

And at the height of his frustrations one holiday season he visited some old friends.  Over the course of a few days he shared with these friends his concerns and problems and all the things on his list he wasn’t getting done.   After a few days of self centered pity, his friend offered simple advice.   “Mike” she said.  “It’s not about you, it’s about a celebration of a birth in a manger, the coming together of family and friends to remember what matters.”

We have had a remarkable year in Real Estate.  Sales continue to climb, housing prices are creeping up and consumer confidence promises more of the same as we move into next year.  We are busier than we have been in several years.  If you are like me, this “busy-ness” means you are relying on lists to make sure your holidays are perfect.   My advice for the day, if the lists don’t get done, it’s alright!  Remember to stop what you are doing, lay down your phones, turn off your computers, and just enjoy those things that matter.  It wasn’t about Mike, and it’s not about me or you either.

Happy Holidays!

(This is a repost from the December "Knothole". A publication of the Champaign County Association of REALTORS)