Last week the doctor told me that I'm in remission. I have to say that this sure sounds good. I mean we talked about not having any traceable cancer in my system, but then in the next sentence he says that there may be a billion cancer cells in my body, they just aren't detectable. Uggh.....a billion seems like a lot.
Add to that I'm continuing my treatment. You see the extra treatments will knock down some of those billion little buddies I have swimming around my body. I hate to have them eat and run, as in eat the good cells and then swim and look for more good cells, however I'll deal with the extra treatments even if it means saying good bye to my billion buddies.
Remission is sort of like hitting the pause button in your life. The clock stops on the "you have x to y months to live" calendar. Will it ever start again? I suspect no one knows for sure. This whole experience is sort of a virtual reality trip.
I know I had surgery, but I really didn't have any pain before or after. I know I have had some side effects, but I don't really dwell on the past at all, therefore it's all behind me. I know I had and have cancer, but for the most part I only see it on the screen and I don't feel pain from it. As far as I know any discomfort I have now is no different than the discomfort I was having just from getting older.
Everyone says, "you look great" or "I can't believe you have cancer and are having chemo." I get that totally. I didn't lose my hair, I lost weight but have gained some of it back. And I have always looked younger than I am. So again I don't think you can see it in me.
So remission is sort of a waiting game. I can begin to think seriously about making long term plans. I have started thinking about things I would love to do in my life. Things like, white water rafting. Visiting Yosemite National Park along with Crater, Yellowstone and other National Parks. A trip to Rome, Venice and Florence While we are at it, how about Paris, Switzerland, and London? Maybe golf in Scotland or Pebble Beach?
I need to close a big deal, then put that cash aside for a "big trip." Or perhaps one of our local multi-millionaires or billionaires might just throw a $100,000 my way. I would be a gracious recipient and even send post cards if you like!!
See that is the difference being in remission and not. You truly begin making some significant plans. I have to admit over the past year I would go to a movie and see the previews and ask myself, "will I be here to see that movie?" Things like the next Star Wars or Indiana Jones. Two of my all time favorites.
And of course important life events that come up. Nieces and nephew graduations, marriages, babies, etc. I have thought a lot about this over the last year or so. More than ever before. I really had never paid attention to how life goes on when someone passes away.
I mean I know it's true. The world keeps spinning, the sun comes up every day and the seasons pass. But in addition to that Survivor keeps adding new seasons, 60 Minutes still has stories to tell, the Illini keep playing (and losing). While is may seem like the world turns "because" of us, in truth is turns in spite of us. A humbling reality.
That should be comforting to my friends and family. There will be a tomorrow Hopefully I will have left a piece of me to remember, here is where I'm sorry I didn't make the commitment to get married and have a child. But, there are others to carry on my legacy. Family, friends and students I have mentored.
Don't think I'm throwing in the towel in any way here. I'm in remission. But I still have those billion little buddies swimming inside me. Let's just hope we stay friends and they don't get tired of my swimming pool. Or perhaps the drugs will help them relocate someplace else.
Everyone says, "you look great" or "I can't believe you have cancer and are having chemo." I get that totally. I didn't lose my hair, I lost weight but have gained some of it back. And I have always looked younger than I am. So again I don't think you can see it in me.
So remission is sort of a waiting game. I can begin to think seriously about making long term plans. I have started thinking about things I would love to do in my life. Things like, white water rafting. Visiting Yosemite National Park along with Crater, Yellowstone and other National Parks. A trip to Rome, Venice and Florence While we are at it, how about Paris, Switzerland, and London? Maybe golf in Scotland or Pebble Beach?
I need to close a big deal, then put that cash aside for a "big trip." Or perhaps one of our local multi-millionaires or billionaires might just throw a $100,000 my way. I would be a gracious recipient and even send post cards if you like!!
See that is the difference being in remission and not. You truly begin making some significant plans. I have to admit over the past year I would go to a movie and see the previews and ask myself, "will I be here to see that movie?" Things like the next Star Wars or Indiana Jones. Two of my all time favorites.
And of course important life events that come up. Nieces and nephew graduations, marriages, babies, etc. I have thought a lot about this over the last year or so. More than ever before. I really had never paid attention to how life goes on when someone passes away.
I mean I know it's true. The world keeps spinning, the sun comes up every day and the seasons pass. But in addition to that Survivor keeps adding new seasons, 60 Minutes still has stories to tell, the Illini keep playing (and losing). While is may seem like the world turns "because" of us, in truth is turns in spite of us. A humbling reality.
That should be comforting to my friends and family. There will be a tomorrow Hopefully I will have left a piece of me to remember, here is where I'm sorry I didn't make the commitment to get married and have a child. But, there are others to carry on my legacy. Family, friends and students I have mentored.
Don't think I'm throwing in the towel in any way here. I'm in remission. But I still have those billion little buddies swimming inside me. Let's just hope we stay friends and they don't get tired of my swimming pool. Or perhaps the drugs will help them relocate someplace else.
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